


Collapsing inwards from skin to soul

by Merlinsdeheune (sindhunathi)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Depression, Drabble, Gen, Insomnia, Manip, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, Violence, past character deaths, remix eligible, sad Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 13:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4962553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sindhunathi/pseuds/Merlinsdeheune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is one person Arthur Pendragon would not, ever, be able to forgive - himself. (or, Arthur has many sleepless nights thinking about the raid he led on the druid camp)</p><p> </p><p>  <span class="small">Made for Tavern Tales Oct '15 theme: Fairies, Spells, Dark Nights</span><br/><a href="http://tavern-tales.livejournal.com/16520.html?thread=1148808#t1148808">Livejournal thread</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Collapsing inwards from skin to soul

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Pablo Neruda's poem 'Death Alone'

 

A shrill scream pierced the night, jolting Arthur from sleep. For a moment he did not understand where he was, his mind still playing the scenes that haunted his sleep. 

 

"Not the children!", he almost started to yell out, before he remembered that he was safely at the castle, in his soft bed and not leading a raid into a druid camp. Distantly he recognized that the scream that had woken him up was Morgana's, who faced her own night terrors. Unlike his own dreams, he knew hers were different. He didn't think anyone knew that he had puzzled out the truth. The events before and during the Questing beast attack only cemented his theory. 

 

Magic. 

 

Morgana had magic and her dreams were not mere dreams, they were visions. Prophetic, magical, visions. 

 

He wondered if anyone else knew. His father certainly couldn't have, for he would have sent her straight to the stakes, beloved ward or not. His mind, still a bit disconnected, wondered whether her screams would still sound the same then, or if they would sound like the agonized, terror filled ones from his nightmares. 

 

 

Sometimes, he could reason with himself that he had been young and he had just been carrying out his father's orders. Most times though, all he could think of was how he had led an army into a peaceful settlement, with women and children, none of whom were left alive by the end of the day. 

 

He may have been young and as yet, untested, but it was still his fault. He had lost control of his men. Worse, he had lost control of himself. He had frozen, unable to do anything, unable to curb the zeal with which the soldiers torched the huts and slaughtered people. 

 

He had wanted to cry out, beg his own men to spare the women and children. Maybe he did cry out, but his orders had gone unheeded and he was left powerless to stop it. 

 

He should have stopped it. Somehow. 

 

It hadn't been a raid, it had been a massacre. 

 

And it was his fault. 

**Author's Note:**

> Should poor baby Arthur get comfort if/when Merlin finds out? Or should I just leave it at this level of whump?
> 
> (Also please let me know of any mistakes? This is unbeta-ed)


End file.
